


One Hundred Per Cent

by threeturn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Aliens Made Them Do It, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, tourfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 10:36:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2425595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threeturn/pseuds/threeturn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is 100% not gay, but Niall has a plan. Or, five times Niall came up with a ridiculous excuse for him to have sex with Liam and one time aliens did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Hundred Per Cent

**Author's Note:**

> This is the seventh installment of a 10-week, 10-trope, 10-pairing series with my adored [disarm_d](https://archiveofourown.org/users/disarm_d), to whom much thanks ♥

~1~

_Nothing t doooo_ , Liam tweets, and Niall rolls his eyes and swings his feet over the side of the bed. Ever since Liam and Sophia broke up, Liam's been impossible.

Niall pulls a shirt on before venturing into the hotel corridor. When he knocks on Liam's door, Liam opens up right away, as if he'd been waiting for someone to rescue him.

"Hi, Niall!" Liam says, as excited as if it's been weeks since they've seen each other instead of two hours since the show. He's only wearing boxers. Niall regrets putting on a shirt.

"Hey," says Niall, and walks past Liam into the room. Liam's clothes are all over the floor and his bedding is in a heap. No wonder Liam couldn't sleep. "I'm gonna make your bed," says Niall.

"Oh. Why?"

"I can't sleep in my room," says Niall. "I'm sleeping here."

"I can't sleep either though," says Liam. "Maybe this isn't a good sleeping place. Should we see if Louis's up?"

Niall shakes his head. "I should be able to sleep here. I just need your body."

Liam's eyes widen.

"Your body heat," says Niall. He picks up a blanket and shakes it out. "The heater in my room's broken, it's too cold in there."

"Oh no!" says Liam. His face crumples in concern. "And it's supposed to be a five-star hotel."

"I know!" Niall tucks in the blanket at the foot of the bed.

"Are you shivering?" asks Liam. "You're shivering, aren't you?"

"Nah," says Niall. "I mean, yeah, definitely. You should hug me."

Liam hugs Niall. Niall wraps his arms around Liam's naked back and burrows into Liam's neck. Liam is very warm. "Better?" asks Liam. "This is a load of bollocks, I'm going to make a complaint."

"Liam," says Niall. He lets his voice quaver a bit. "Could we just go to bed and worry about it tomorrow? I'm knackered."

"Aw, Niall," says Liam. "Of course we can."

"My knee hurts," Niall murmurs.

"You should lie down right away," says Liam. "C'mere. Lean on me."

Niall leans.

"Okay," says Liam, in a strong, reassuring voice. "We're gonna set you down in bed now."

"Yes, Liam," says Niall in a small voice. He lets Liam put him in bed and pull the covers up over him.

"Do you want a glass of water?" Liam asks. "I want you to be comfortable."

"No, thank you," says Niall. "Can you get the light?"

Liam almost trips over himself getting to the dimmer. Then he goes around to the other side of the bed and gets in. "Is this okay?" he whispers loudly.

"Can you get closer?" Niall asks. "You're so warm. I can feel how warm you are from here."

Liam hunkers over. They're on their sides facing each other. Their knees are touching but that's it. Niall can see Liam's eyes shining with concern for his wellbeing. He reaches out and touches Liam's beard.

"I'm just checking where you are," says Niall. He squeezes Liam's shoulder and runs his hand down Liam's side.

Liam flinches and then stills. "Do you feel better now?" he asks.

"Sort of," says Niall. His hand's on Liam's hip. He traces the waistband of Liam's boxers all the way to Liam's stomach. "This is nice, right?" says Niall.

Liam doesn't say anything.

"I mean sleeping together," says Niall. "Don't you get a bit lonely sometimes?"

"Yeah," says Liam. "Remember when we used to share rooms? I liked that."

"Me too," says Niall. "Always having one of you right there." He slips his fingers just under Liam's waistband.

"Maybe we should go to sleep," says Liam, sounding strained.

"All right," says Niall. "Turn over, Liam, I wanna be the big spoon."

"We're spooning?"

"How else are we gonna get to sleep?" Niall asks.

"Well, I mean—" Liam starts. "Don't you think I should be the big spoon?"

"Why?"

"'Cause I'm bigger than you," says Liam.

"No, this'll be good," says Niall. "Trust me."

"If you say so." Liam turns over.

Niall cuddles up to him and puts an arm around his waist. "Relax," he says.

"I am," says Liam. "I'm totally relaxed."

"Good," says Niall, and sticks his hand back in Liam's boxers.

"Is your _hand_ cold?"

"Not anymore." Niall strokes Liam's dick a few times, until it starts hardening up in his hand.

"Niall," says Liam. "You're not feeling well. I think you might be a bit confused."

"This is just to help us sleep," says Niall. He presses himself firmly against Liam's back, but he keeps his cock a few inches away from his arse. One step at a time.

"Niall? You know I'm not gay, right?"

"Of course not!" says Niall. "Mate, I know. Don't get the wrong idea here."

Liam puts a hand on Niall's wrist. "Niall, I don't want you to take this in a bad way because I accept you regardless—"

"Thanks, bro," says Niall. He kisses the nape of Liam's neck, and Liam shivers.

"—but I'm one hundred per cent straight," Liam finishes.

"Ohh, I get it," says Niall. "You think this is gay or something?"

"I mean, you're touching my willy." Liam sounds uncertain. "Isn't that kind of gay?

"Liam," says Niall. "If you're not gay, you're hardly an expert. Any actual gay person would tell you this doesn't count."

"They would?" asks Liam hopefully.

"Definitely."

"Oh, right," says Liam, relaxing. "Because gay is bums, right?"

"Yeah," says Niall, shaking his head. "Gay is bums." He takes his hand off Liam so he can get it wet with some spit and then reaches over again. Liam's cock is hot and thick in his fist. He wanks him off as quickly as possible, so that there won't be any more time to think it over. When Liam comes, it's with a choked-off sigh, and then almost immediately a desperate groping for the tissue box on the bedside table.

"Niall?" Liam's voice is tentative.

"Right here," says Niall, willing down his hard-on. "Now we'll be able to go to sleep."

 

 

~2~

"I'm not going in," Liam announces at the door to the bus, pushing his lower lip out in a show of defiance.

They probably they should've waited to start drinking until they got on the bus, Niall thinks. But Louis'd pulled out the bottle when they reached the dressing room and they'd all had a few shots. "Did you leave something backstage?"

"Yes," says Liam proudly. "My maiden name." He beams at Niall. "Do you get it? My maiden name? Because I'm not Liam Payne anymore."

Niall rubs his forehead.

Liam lifts his face to the sky and bellows at the stars. "MRS. NIALL HORAN!"

"Hahahaha," says Niall supportively. "Come on, Liam."

"Not till you carry me," says Liam. "We got married and you have to carry me across the thingy. Threshold."

"You boys getting on?" calls Don.

"See?" says Liam. "You're making us late."

"No way am I carrying you up those steps," says Niall.

Liam looks stricken.

" _You_ can carry _me_ ," Niall decides, and Liam's face brightens. He holds out his arms to Niall and Niall lets himself be scooped up. He assumes Liam will knock him against the door by accident but Liam moves so slowly and carefully that they end up on the bus without a scratch. Liam marches Niall down the aisle without letting him drop and lifts him up into his bunk. Niall can hear the sounds of gunfire from the back lounge where Zayn and Louis and Harry are already watching telly. The bus starts moving.

"So we're married now," Liam announces, leaning into Niall's bunk.

"But not in a gay way, right?" Niall asks.

"No," says Liam. "Gay marriage isn't legal in this state."

"You looked it up?" Niall asks.

"Maybe," says Liam. His cheeks are a bit red. "So if we're married, that means we're straight."

Niall pulls at his collar. "You know what straight people do when they get married?

Liam looks puzzled.

"Have sex," Niall whispers. "Get up here, bro."

"This is such a funny joke," says Liam, but he's already climbing up. He ends up losing his balance and falling in, landing half on Niall.

"You know I like a laugh," Niall agrees. He reaches down to unzip his jeans.

"Niall," says Liam. "Niall, what are you doing?"

"You wanna keep your husband satisfied, right?" asks Niall. He picks up Liam's hand and licks his palm.

Liam stares at him, mouth open.

"Come on, Liam," Niall whispers, and puts Liam's hand on his dick.

Liam touches Niall's dick with great caution, as if it might explode at any minute. "Happy marriages are—are important—"

"Ssshhhh," says Niall, and wraps his hand around Liam's hand. "Like this."

"Oh my god," says Liam.

A minute later Niall takes his hand away, because Liam's doing just fine on his own. A minute later than that, he feels Liam's hard-on, pressed against his thigh.

"Mrs. Horan," Niall whispers, and Liam groans into his neck.

 

 

~3~

"Comparing is just stupid," says Louis, because they're all in Liam's hotel room arguing about who's had the most sex in their life. "If you've got a girlfriend, your count's gonna be off."

"How is that off?" Harry asks. "You've got a safe bet. If anything, that puts you ahead."

"Because my safe bet is an ocean away, obviously." Louis looks over at Zayn for support. Zayn nods sorrowfully.

"On the other hand," says Liam, "on tour it's not like you're having real sex."

"It's not?" says Harry.

"Nope," says Liam. He darts a look at Niall. "I mean, isn't it mostly like—"

"What?"

"Like, if it's not _having sex_ , it's not sex."

"If I have an orgasm and someone else is there, it's sex," says Harry.

"Not if it's just a handjob," says Liam. "A handie can be just mates."

Louis and Zayn look at each other. Louis says, "How about a blowjob, then, Liam? Is a blowjob sex?"

"Not really," says Liam.

 

*

 

Niall gets off the bus at a rest stop and buys a fistful of lollipops at the shop. Back on the bus, he finds Liam in the kitchenette and sits down across from him. Liam is eating toast. Niall unwraps a red lollipop and sticks it in his mouth.

Liam watches and then turns his eyes back to his toast.

"Oo-oo wah whmm wawa-op?" Niall asks.

"Excuse me?"

Niall slides the lollipop out of his mouth as ostentatiously as possible and licks his lips. "Do you want a lollipop?"

"No, thank you," says Liam hoarsely, and takes a huge bite of toast.

Niall sticks out his tongue and licks. "Is my tongue getting red yet?"

"I don't know," Liam mutters. "Do you want some toast?"

"I'm not hungry right now," says Niall. "I just wanted to have something in my mouth."

 

*

 

Niall and Harry are in the lounge of the bus watching Great British Bake-Off. When the kugelhopf montage starts rolling, Harry puts his arm around Niall. "How are you, Niall? Haven't seen much of you recently."

"I'm brilliant," says Niall. "Got a bit of a project I'm working on. You wanna help me?"

"Always," says Harry, and kisses the top of Niall's head.

When Liam comes in a few minutes later, Niall's sucking on one of Harry's fingers and watching Sue Perkins eat cake.

"Sorry!" Liam squeaks.

"No, no, watch with us, Liam," says Harry. "Learn about Jutland."

Liam sits down on the other side of Niall. Niall pats his thigh with one hand and keeps sucking Harry's finger with the other.

"Niall, are you okay?" asks Liam.

"'m fime," says Niall, mouth full.

"We think Niall's developing an oral fixation," says Harry. "You know how nervous he gets sometimes. Says he feels better if he's got something to suck."

"Oh," says Liam. He puts an arm around Niall too. "I'm sorry, mate, I thought the panic thing was getting better."

Niall takes Harry's finger out of his mouth, letting a little strand of spit trail from his mouth before it breaks. "Sucking helps," he says.

Harry hits his head like he's just had a genius idea. "Have you tried giving head, Niall?"

Niall can feel Liam tense up next to him. "Wow, no!" Niall says. "That's an amazing idea, Harry!"

"I just think emotional health is really important," says Harry. "A lot of dudes happen to feel better with a dick in their mouth."

Liam clears his throat. "Really? Is that true? Like—even straight dudes?"

"Totally," says Harry. "I mean, Niall, I can help you out with that if you want."

"You're such a good friend," Niall tells Harry.

"I'm a good friend too," says Liam.

"We can find an empty dressing room before the show tonight," Harry tells Niall. "Like Liam said, it's not even sex."

"No!" Liam shouts.

Niall looks at Liam, wide-eyed, and puts Harry's finger back in his mouth.

"I mean, _I_ can help you," says Liam. He glares at Harry. "I can help you better."

Niall shrugs. Turns back to the telly. "Oh, look," he says. "Dobos torte."

 

*

 

A half hour before showtime, Liam's leaning against a wall in a storage room with his flies open. Niall's on his knees with Liam's cock filling his mouth.

"Do you feel better?" Liam asks anxiously. He pats Niall awkwardly on the head.

Niall pulls off. Liam's looking down at him with an expression of sheer disbelief. "So good, Liam. Could suck you all day."

"Whatever you need, mate," says Liam. His eyes are glazing over. "After all, it's a medical emergency."

"Thanks, doc," says Niall, and sucks Liam's cock in again till it hits the back of his throat.

 

 

~4~

"It's open!" Liam calls when Niall knocks on his hotel door a few nights later.

Niall pushes the door open. Liam's curled up on the bed with his laptop. "C'mere," says Liam. "I gotta show you something, but promise you won't laugh."

"I promise," says Niall. He drops onto the bed and leans his head on Liam's shoulder. There's a blurry still from a film on Liam's screen. Some guy in a snapback sitting naked on a bed in a dark room.

"Do you think that looks like me?" Liam asks.

Niall takes a closer look at the naked bloke. "That's you? Wow, Liam."

"It's _not_ me!" snaps Liam. "That's the point. It's not me but it looks like me."

"Weird," says Niall.

"I know!" says Liam. "I can't even work out what's going on in this shot. Like, this is someone else's body over here, but what body part is that? It's totally unclear."

"What film is it from?" Niall asks. "Maybe we can watch the rest and work it out. Gimme your laptop a sec."

Liam shoves the laptop over to him. "You'd watch more of this?"

"Research, Liam. Image control. I've definitely seen a couple pornos with guys that look like you."

"You have? This is terrible. All our fans are gonna think I'm a gay pornstar."

"Oh no," says Niall dutifully. He pulls up the website he wants.

"And I would _never_ ," says Liam. "Making love should be a beautiful, private experience for two people to share."

Niall pats Liam on the shoulder. "Let me show you something, bro."

"Only if it would be my professional responsibility," says Liam mournfully.

"Well, yeah," Niall agrees. "I mean, what if someone accuses you of being one of these guys? You have to be prepared."

Liam nods gravely. "I suppose I do need to control my image. I didn't think of that."

"Although I hate to put you through the effort when it's late and you're probably tired." Niall navigates to a good clip and waits.

"Well," says Liam. "I was just thinking that I didn't really get enough accomplished today to feel genuinely good about myself."

"Okay then, take a look at this." Niall turns the laptop to face Liam.

"My god," says Liam, after watching for a minute. "Is he really gonna put his _tongue_ there?"

"Maybe," says Niall, as if he hasn't seen this one a zillion times.

"Weird," says Liam. "Weird, weird, weird." His voice is shaky.

"He looks like you," says Niall. "Because like, the muscles and the stubble and being super manly."

"You think I'm manly?"

"Basically," says Niall, and he takes the laptop back. He finds another one of his favourite clips and settles back on the bed so they can watch it together.

"Holy shit," says Liam. "How does he fit it all in? Maybe the blond bloke's got a tiny dick."

"Absolutely not," says Niall. "There's a better angle in the next bit. See?"

"Wow," says Liam. They watch for a moment in silence. "That big and it's, like, _disappearing_ down that guy's throat."

"That's how anyone would be able to tell it's not really you," Niall says.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, obviously you'd never be able to get that much dick in your mouth."

"I wouldn't?"

"Nah, mate, that takes practice. Practice and determination."

"I have practice and determination," says Liam. He's beginning to sound upset.

"It's fine, Liam," says Niall. "You don't want anyone to think you're a gay pornstar. This way, if anyone asks, we'll just be like, nah, that can't be Liam, he's rubbish at blowjobs."

"I'm not rubbish at blowjobs!" says Liam, outraged.

Niall shrugs. "Whatever, bro. You don't have to feel bad about it. No one can be good at everything."

Liam snaps the laptop shut. "I'm gonna give you a blowjob right now."

"Whoa," says Niall. "No, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" hisses Liam. "Why bloody not?"

"I just prefer blowjobs from people with some technique and enthusiasm," says Niall. "Straight bloke like you, it's not really worth it."

"Get your goddamn shorts off," says Liam.

"I mean, maybe if you're really willing to try—" Niall starts, but that's all he gets out before Liam puts his hand over his mouth and pushes him down on the bed.

"Gonna show you how good I can be," says Liam.

"If you insist," says Niall, and grabs another pillow so he can get comfortable.

 

 

~5~

"I'm not that into it," says Harry. "It usually seems like she'd be happier if I was doing it the other way."

"She'll be happy if you're doing it _right_ ," argues Zayn, stretching out on the green room sofa.

"I know how to do it," Harry says. "I just have an _enormous penis_. It's not comfortable for them."

Louis rolls his eyes. "Why is it that no matter what we're discussing, you find a way to make it about your mutant dick?"

"Well," says Niall thoughtfully. "We're talking about anal sex. It's not irrelevant."

"Liam," says Zayn, "what's your position?"

"My position?" repeats Liam. He has a hunted look in his eyes.

"Arsefucking, Payno," says Louis. "Yea or nay?"

"I never have," says Liam.

"Are you kidding?" Zayn asks.

"There's a first time for everything," Harry tells Liam, patting him on the shoulder.

"Liam, come on," says Louis. "It's 2014. You at least have to try it. Back me up, Niall."

"Louis's right," says Niall. He watches Liam's face. "Actually, Liam, most girls are going to expect you to be good at it."

"No one's ever asked me for that before," says Liam.

Harry looks at Niall. Niall nods at him encouragingly. Harry winks horribly back at him and says, "You know what, Liam? Your next girlfriend might well ask."

"Actually, in my experience," says Zayn, "the guy usually has to be the one to bring it up."

"Never mind that, Zayn," says Harry. "I'm just saying, Liam should be ready to go."

"He should practice," agrees Niall. He catches Liam's eye and smiles at him sweetly.

 

*

 

"How'm I gonna practice when we're on tour?" Liam complains later, after the show. "I can't just jump straight to having weird sex five minutes after I meet somebody."

"It's really not that weird," says Niall. They're in his hotel room and Liam's been talking more or less nonstop for the past thirty minutes.

"You've done it?"

"'Course," says Niall. "I mean, it's an opening in a person's body. It's only natural to want to stick a dick in it."

"I suppose I always thought it was kinda gay," says Liam. "Which I'm not."

"You've mentioned," says Niall. "How is it gay if it's a girl's bum?"

"That's true," says Liam. "God, I'm so open-minded these days."

"You're a good man, Payno," says Niall.

"The point is I'm worried now," says Liam. "What if I start dating someone new and she's like, put it in me, and I do, and she says, no, not there, _there_ , and I do it wrong, and she starts crying or something?"

"That's why we're talking about practice," says Niall.

"But there's no one to practice with," argues Liam.

"Hmm," says Niall. "You feel like it should be with someone you're already familiar with?"

"Well, yeah," says Liam.

Niall shrugs. "Me."

"Wow," says Liam, darting a quick glance at Niall. "That didn't occur to me at all. Not in a million years. The thought never ever crossed my mind." He shakes his head energetically back and forth.

Niall waves a hand dismissively. "Come on, Liam, it's obvious. You need to practice, I've got a bum. Plus, we're already mates."

"This is different from that other stuff, though," says Liam. "This might be gay."

Niall folds his arms. "It's absolutely not gay if you're practicing for a girl."

Liam points a finger at him. "Another good point!" 

"Let me get some lube," Niall says. Two minutes later he's on the bed naked.

"Explain to me step by step," says Liam, pushing his jeans and boxers off.

Niall really appreciates how Liam respects his greater experience and understanding. He eyes Liam's hard-on. "Are you thinking about the girl you're eventually gonna fuck in the arse?"

"Definitely," says Liam, and lies down beside Niall on the bed. He touches Niall's erection with one inquisitive finger. "You thinking about it too?"

"Something like that," says Niall. He squeezes lube onto his fingers.

"You're gonna do that to yourself?"

"Just this time," says Niall, and he explains to Liam how it's all going to work. He starts out with a lot of instruction but eventually he's just pushing a couple of fingers in and out of himself while Liam stares at him with his mouth open. It seems like Liam's not really paying all that much attention so Niall cuts the speech short and hands him a condom. "You ready to fuck me?"

"Yeah," says Liam eagerly. "Yeah, deffo."

Niall turns over and gets on his hands and knees. "Like this, Liam. So you can pretend I'm a girl."

"Oh, right," says Liam. "Girl." He gets on his knees behind Niall, but he doesn't do anything except put the condom on.

"Go on," says Niall.

"I just wanted to say thank you," says Liam. "For letting me practice."

"Oh for god's sake, bro, stick it in," says Niall.

Liam pushes in more slowly than any other guy Niall's ever had. Niall can hear him making these little grunts, though, so apparently he's enjoying it.

"You can speed it up, you know," Niall tells him.

"Okay," gasps Liam, and pushes harder.

"Bro!" says Niall, when he's all the way in. "Nice! Now fuck me."

"How should—"

"In and out," says Niall patiently. He has to advise Liam about angles a couple times, and Liam apparently needs to be regularly told he's doing well or he starts losing momentum, but eventually they get a rhythm going. Niall drops down to his elbows and enjoys it.

"So tight," Liam says. "Jesus, amazing."

"With a girl," says Niall, "you're gonna have to reach around to work her clit or she's not gonna come."

"Oh," says Liam, and then his hand's on Niall's dick.

"You're a quick learner," says Niall, and pushes his arse back to get Liam deeper.

 

 

~1~

The aliens have big heads and flippers and wrinkly blue-grey skin and one glowing eye apiece and they just appear one morning on Niall's hotel balcony. There are two of them and they slide into the room on one foot each like a snail. They aren't wearing clothes, but each of them has some kind of small shining hexagonal machine strapped to a flipper.

"This is so great," Niall babbles. "You guys are amazing. You guys are beautiful. What planet are you from? What galaxy are you from? Why did you choose me to visit? Good choice by the way, haha! I'm Niall, what's your name?"

The aliens turn their glowing eyes to each other and then turn back to Niall.

"Sorry," says Niall, "do you guys even speak English?"

"Yes," says the smaller alien. His voice sounds sort of squelchy and wet somehow, but it's understandable enough.

"Great!" says Niall. It looks like he's going to have to be the one holding up the conversation, but that's okay, he doesn't mind. "So, you guys are from space?"

"We're on an intergalactic research mission," says the other alien.

"Legend," breathes Niall. "How come I can understand you?"

The alien waves one of its flippers in the air. "It's basic tech. You're too primitive to understand."

Niall shrugs. "Fine, you can explain it to the scientists. I know this lady who works at NASA, she's really nice, you'll love her, should I get her on the phone?"

The aliens move closer together and it's like their skin humps up into a wave that passes between them. "No," says the little one finally. "This is not a diplomatic visit. We're just trying to get our anthropology degrees."

"Wait a minute," says Niall. "This is massive. This is first contact. This is intelligent extra-terrestrial life. This is a lot bigger than your degree or whatever."

The large alien's glowing eye swivels in its socket. "It's not first contact for _us_."

"It's not? What other worlds have you been too? Who else—"

"Earthling," says the alien. "We don't have time for this."

"What do you need?" says Niall. "Do you guys want a beer? Anything."

"We need to observe your copulative processes with another of your kind."

"Our what what?"

The alien consults its hexagonal device. "We need to watch you fuck."

Niall's jaw drops open.

"It is the best way to understand your culture on a deeper level," says the larger alien. "Plus, dissertations about sex stuff get accepted for publication nine times out of ten."

"But it needs to happen in the next half hour or so," the other one puts in. "Or we'll miss our connecting flight."

"Oh wow," says Niall. "What if we don't want to?"

"Then we'll blow up your planet," says the alien. "The teaching market is terrible right now. We need to publish or we'll never get work. But don't worry, we'll conceal ourselves. So that we do not—what is the idiom—"

"—spoil the mood," the other one suggests.

Niall narrows his eyes. "I bet you can't really blow up the planet."

The small alien holds up its device, points it in the general direction of the wardrobe, and the wardrobe disappears. The only sound is a slight hiss, like that of air suddenly entering a vacuum.

"I'll text Liam," says Niall. "What am I supposed to say?"

"Whatever you like," says the larger alien. "Whatever you deem likely to provoke acceptance of your proposal."

"I can't believe you want me to manipulate him like that," says Niall. "It's just wrong."

The alien fixes Niall with its one glowing eye. "I'm on a deadline, kid."

"Fine," mutters Niall, and texts Liam.

_On my wayyyyyy :)_ Liam sends back.

A minute passes. "So can I get a picture with you guys?" Niall asks.

"What is this 'picture'?" asks the small alien.

"You're too primitive to understand," says Niall. He stands between them and holds up his phone. "Smile!"

"We don't smile," says the larger alien, rearranging its flippers.

"You look great, don't worry about it," says Niall, and takes about twenty pictures of himself with the space-dolphin-snails.

"We have read about the ways of your people," one of the aliens tells Niall while he's swiping back through his camera roll. "You are a 'man,' yes? So you will penetrate the other earthling with your—what is the idiom?"

"Never mind, I get it," says Niall. "But he might want it to be the other way around."

"Not acceptable," says the alien. "We have chosen." It points its death device/translation guide at Niall. "Remember. Utter liquidation. We will now manifest the invisibility field."

By the time Liam gets to Niall's room, the aliens have disappeared. There's only a bit of slime on the floor where they were standing. Liam's hair is wet, as if he's just showered.

"Liam," says Niall. "Oh, Liam, I'm so sorry."

"About what?" says Liam. "Isn't it a beautiful day?"

"Sort of," says Niall. "It's just that there are these aliens and we have to have sex."

"Aliens?"

"I know, it sounds crazy. They landed on my balcony a few minutes ago and they're really rude and they're writing a book about earth sex or something and they told me I have to have sex with someone or they'll blow up the planet."

"Oh," says Liam. "And you came to me?"

"Who else would I go to?" asks Niall. He's too nervous to play it cool.

Liam takes Niall's hand. "I'd go to you too. If aliens showed up on my balcony, I would always go to you. They didn't hurt you, did they?"

"No," says Niall. "But they killed the wardrobe."

"Ah." Liam nods wisely. "By the way, where are they?"

"They're in an invisibility field," Niall tells him miserably. "I'm not drunk. Do you believe me?"

"Of course I believe you, Niall," says Liam. He pulls his t-shirt over his head. "We should probably start so they don't blow up the planet."

"That's not all," Niall says. "They want me to, you know, top. Do you know what I mean when I say—"

"Yes," says Liam quickly. "I mean, if it's to save the planet, I'll obviously do whatever I have to."

"It's definitely to save the planet," says Niall. "I really am sorry. I would never—I mean I suppose I would, because I was planning on it, but not like this."

"Hey, hey," says Liam. "Don't be sorry. How do you want to do it? You're gonna talk me through this, right?"

"'Course," says Niall. He gets his lube and a condom from his bag and tosses them on the bed. "Um, you should probably take your trackies off and lie down."

Liam does. He waits for Niall with his knees bent, ready. Niall grabs the lube and kneels between his legs. Liam winces when Niall presses a finger in, but he says, "It's okay, it's okay," when Niall stops. Niall puts his mouth on Liam's cock to make him feel better, and soon Liam's completely hard and bearing down on Niall's finger.

After Niall has two fingers in, Liam says, "You think the aliens would want you to fuck me now, Niall?"

"Probably," says Niall. The reminder that the aliens are watching everything he does with Liam makes him feel ill.

"You're blushing," says Liam, wonderingly.

"I don't like having an audience," says Niall, rolling on the condom.

"Do you want me to close my eyes?"

"No! No, I meant the aliens. You're fine."

"Should I turn over?"

"No," says Niall, and runs his hand down Liam's chest. "Stay like this."

Liam groans when Niall pushes in.

"Are you okay?" Niall asks.

"Brilliant," Liam whispers. "We're saving the planet."

"Keep that in mind," says Niall, and starts to move. Liam's eyes are closed after all. "Or you can pretend—" Niall starts, but Liam feels so hot and tight around him that he can't make his brain think of a heterosexual scenario.

"Whatever," says Liam, and wraps his legs around Niall. Niall thrusts hard and deep and Liam just goes with it, as if all he wants is to let Niall in.

"Fucking hell," says Niall, no longer caring about the aliens. "You like this, Liam?"

Liam moans like it's being wrenched from somewhere deep inside. "Yeah," he says, "fuck me, Niall, keep fucking me, _god_."

Niall gets a hand on Liam's cock and the sounds coming out of Liam's mouth go low and rough. "Come on," Niall mutters, "come on, Liam, let it go," and Liam does, spilling over Niall's fist. Niall keeps fucking him, his eyes on Liam's blissed-out face, comes hard and collapses on top of him. Liam lifts his mouth to Niall blindly and they kiss, tongues in each other's mouths, eager and unrestrained. All these weeks, and kissing Liam feels like the main thing Niall's been aiming for. He's not inside Liam anymore, but he still feels so close. 

Only an odd squelching sound behind him makes Niall lift his head from Liam. It's the aliens, and they're visible again.

"What the fuck?" says Liam. "OH MY GOD NIALL WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

"The aliens," says Niall. "Obviously." He pats Liam reassuringly on his sweaty shoulder.

The small one has its device out again and is busily waving a flipper over it. "So that was what you would term 'making love,' earthling?"

"Um," says Niall. He sneaks a glance at Liam. "Sort of?"

"Yes," says Liam, eyes wide. "Wow, aliens."

The alien pushes something on its device and its entire body inclines sideways. "Our thanks to you, earthling. Your participation will be graciously acknowledged in the afterword to our dissertations, entirely free of charge." It turns its eye to the other alien and they touch flippers. Then there's a hissing sound, and the aliens are gone.

Niall buries his head in Liam's chest. "They were really rude, huh?"

Liam still seems to be in shock. "There were weird grey monster things standing over there, right? I didn't imagine it?"

"Of course not," says Niall. "You can still see the slime trails. But I mean, you knew there were aliens. Isn't that why we just fucked?"

"Nnnnot exactly," says Liam. He gets up from the bed and goes over to the balcony, peering into the sky. "Wow. I can't believe the aliens were real."

"I _told_ you," says Niall. "Why'd you let me do it if you didn't believe me?"

Liam shrugs. "You're always telling me something, aren't you?"

"Well, maybe, but I thought you—Liam!" Niall yanks on Liam's arm till he falls right back on the bed.

Liam lies there, grinning up at him. "I suppose I just like you. One hundred per cent."

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr post is [here](http://valencing.tumblr.com/post/99515203732/tropegate-week-7-aliens-made-them-do-it). Weekly tropegate fic announcements are posted to our tumblrs, [valencing](http://valencing.tumblr.com) and [onedisarmed](http://onedisarmed.tumblr.com). Thank you to [lazy_daze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazy_daze), [el_em_en_oh_pee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_em_en_oh_pee), [brokendrums](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokendrums), [slightly](http://slightly.tumblr.com), and everyone else who answered my fic-related questions on tumblr this week!


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